So, I felt strung out today. Around 3:30 I started going into one of those catatonic-ish states where I could hardly move and basically have to power down before being able to do anything again, but not actually sleeping.
I felt like I was going to strangle someone anytime anyone interrupted my train of thought, or interfered with my music mixing, or even if I just made a mistake (I've been DJing for a handful of days now). I have frustration problems to begin with. It doesn't seem to make it worse, it just highlights it and reduces the volume on all the rest of the feelings. It's the same 'whatever is the primary train of thought gets boosted above the rest' thing I've observed. However, I've noticed that I can make myself calm down if I focus on calming down.
Right now, I am REALLY tired. The number one side effect of this drug is insomnia. I had trouble getting out of bed the past two days, and I could go to sleep now and I know I wouldn't get up till 12 tomorrow.
Did some card tests, first run started off completely headblind, but then I actually noticed stuff starting to come through.
Card25: 7 b=3.5
I want to try another because I feel like I'm onto something, but I'm SOOO tired.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Concerta pt II
So, the weekend was interesting. What started off as an experience that increased my lucidity, my ability to experience things to their fullest extent, not to mention focus, devolved into me not being able to word things properly, decrease in my cognitive function, being perfectly content with doing absolutely nothing, and nearly forgetting my car in the lover's school's parking lot like I had Oldsheimer's.
Hmmm...
Well, one thing is for sure, more science is in order.
I didn't take it Monday; the lack of frontal cortex stimulation coupled with the fact that that Monday felt more like a Saturday due to lack of classes made it very entertaining. I was... quite giddy most of the day, but not out of control. I mean, I haven't been 5-year-old hyper since I was 12, so relatively speaking it wasn't much worse than the baseline, but there seemed to be maybe a tiny bit of rebound. Or just relief that I don't have the dumb.
So I'm popping one today at about noon, having taken bupropion at 10:20. That might or might not prove to be important, the staggering of it. Today I don't really have that much to do in terms of things that need to get done. So I'm going to try some music writing (high creativity), beatmaking (as music goes, far more mathematical and formulaic), TK, energy-based meditation, and whatever else I can think of.
to save time, I'm defining absolute improbability,b, as the inverse of the odds. So a 20:1 horse winning would have an improbability of 20.
Some tests (1am - 2am):
Card Test25: 2/25
Sequential25: Avg: 3.2 b: 3.2 There were a disproportionate number of 5th card placements.
I'm going to be an ass on this test and just sweep right to left on each set. I'm getting so apathetic and uncreative. I can feel the concerta kicking in.
Seq25 (doing right to left sweep): 3.0 b=1.3
Card Draw25: 65 hits, avg 2.6 b=1.8
Quick Remove View25: 3 hits
I'm just doing horribly. I don't know if it's the lack of practice, my mood, or the medicine itself. Most likely a combination.
I'd try TK but I just don't fucking care.
What do I want to do?
Idk. Nothing. Fix my computer. But I have neither the windows install disk nor the hard drive.
Work on the wood project? Don't fucking care. Get dressed? Fine. Maybe i could do crunches. My stomach hurts.
I just feel allover lame. I am not bored, but I FEEL so boring. Meh!
Hmmm...
Well, one thing is for sure, more science is in order.
I didn't take it Monday; the lack of frontal cortex stimulation coupled with the fact that that Monday felt more like a Saturday due to lack of classes made it very entertaining. I was... quite giddy most of the day, but not out of control. I mean, I haven't been 5-year-old hyper since I was 12, so relatively speaking it wasn't much worse than the baseline, but there seemed to be maybe a tiny bit of rebound. Or just relief that I don't have the dumb.
So I'm popping one today at about noon, having taken bupropion at 10:20. That might or might not prove to be important, the staggering of it. Today I don't really have that much to do in terms of things that need to get done. So I'm going to try some music writing (high creativity), beatmaking (as music goes, far more mathematical and formulaic), TK, energy-based meditation, and whatever else I can think of.
to save time, I'm defining absolute improbability,b, as the inverse of the odds. So a 20:1 horse winning would have an improbability of 20.
Some tests (1am - 2am):
Card Test25: 2/25
Sequential25: Avg: 3.2 b: 3.2 There were a disproportionate number of 5th card placements.
I'm going to be an ass on this test and just sweep right to left on each set. I'm getting so apathetic and uncreative. I can feel the concerta kicking in.
Seq25 (doing right to left sweep): 3.0 b=1.3
Card Draw25: 65 hits, avg 2.6 b=1.8
Quick Remove View25: 3 hits
I'm just doing horribly. I don't know if it's the lack of practice, my mood, or the medicine itself. Most likely a combination.
I'd try TK but I just don't fucking care.
What do I want to do?
Idk. Nothing. Fix my computer. But I have neither the windows install disk nor the hard drive.
Work on the wood project? Don't fucking care. Get dressed? Fine. Maybe i could do crunches. My stomach hurts.
I just feel allover lame. I am not bored, but I FEEL so boring. Meh!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Concerta
Started Concerta, 36mg, extended release this morning, and so far, I actually really like it. Like the single psychological sensation that stands out is "Delicious." I know that makes little sense to you but it kinda gives you an idea of the feeling. It's just...nice. Focus was fantastic this morning. Salience was through the roof. Music sounded better, things seemed brighter. Hunger surprisingly seemed unchanged. I feel really hungry right now. Surprisingly few adverse effects. The one thing that seemed odd is I was checking my pulse (100bpm, typical given the bupropion) on www.scorehero.com/bpm.html, and I had trouble anticipating where the downbeat would hit.
I just tested again, heartrate was really squirrely, but I don't know if that's because my pulse fluctuates a lot normally (even pre-meds) and I can't easily anticipate it, or because the beat isn't as strong. Timing Infected Mushroom, I'm dead on. The fluctuations also seem to rely a lot on my breathing. I was listening with a stethescope and it would go from a breakbeat (lubDub.....lubDub.....lubDub) to even beat (lub...Dub...lub...Dub) when inhaling. I've noticed this in other people, I honestly don't even know if it's significant of anything. But it's not making any weird fluctuations or irregular valve noises, so i'm sure i'm fine.
I just tested again, heartrate was really squirrely, but I don't know if that's because my pulse fluctuates a lot normally (even pre-meds) and I can't easily anticipate it, or because the beat isn't as strong. Timing Infected Mushroom, I'm dead on. The fluctuations also seem to rely a lot on my breathing. I was listening with a stethescope and it would go from a breakbeat (lubDub.....lubDub.....lubDub) to even beat (lub...Dub...lub...Dub) when inhaling. I've noticed this in other people, I honestly don't even know if it's significant of anything. But it's not making any weird fluctuations or irregular valve noises, so i'm sure i'm fine.
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