So, I felt strung out today. Around 3:30 I started going into one of those catatonic-ish states where I could hardly move and basically have to power down before being able to do anything again, but not actually sleeping.
I felt like I was going to strangle someone anytime anyone interrupted my train of thought, or interfered with my music mixing, or even if I just made a mistake (I've been DJing for a handful of days now). I have frustration problems to begin with. It doesn't seem to make it worse, it just highlights it and reduces the volume on all the rest of the feelings. It's the same 'whatever is the primary train of thought gets boosted above the rest' thing I've observed. However, I've noticed that I can make myself calm down if I focus on calming down.
Right now, I am REALLY tired. The number one side effect of this drug is insomnia. I had trouble getting out of bed the past two days, and I could go to sleep now and I know I wouldn't get up till 12 tomorrow.
Did some card tests, first run started off completely headblind, but then I actually noticed stuff starting to come through.
Card25: 7 b=3.5
I want to try another because I feel like I'm onto something, but I'm SOOO tired.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Concerta pt II
So, the weekend was interesting. What started off as an experience that increased my lucidity, my ability to experience things to their fullest extent, not to mention focus, devolved into me not being able to word things properly, decrease in my cognitive function, being perfectly content with doing absolutely nothing, and nearly forgetting my car in the lover's school's parking lot like I had Oldsheimer's.
Hmmm...
Well, one thing is for sure, more science is in order.
I didn't take it Monday; the lack of frontal cortex stimulation coupled with the fact that that Monday felt more like a Saturday due to lack of classes made it very entertaining. I was... quite giddy most of the day, but not out of control. I mean, I haven't been 5-year-old hyper since I was 12, so relatively speaking it wasn't much worse than the baseline, but there seemed to be maybe a tiny bit of rebound. Or just relief that I don't have the dumb.
So I'm popping one today at about noon, having taken bupropion at 10:20. That might or might not prove to be important, the staggering of it. Today I don't really have that much to do in terms of things that need to get done. So I'm going to try some music writing (high creativity), beatmaking (as music goes, far more mathematical and formulaic), TK, energy-based meditation, and whatever else I can think of.
to save time, I'm defining absolute improbability,b, as the inverse of the odds. So a 20:1 horse winning would have an improbability of 20.
Some tests (1am - 2am):
Card Test25: 2/25
Sequential25: Avg: 3.2 b: 3.2 There were a disproportionate number of 5th card placements.
I'm going to be an ass on this test and just sweep right to left on each set. I'm getting so apathetic and uncreative. I can feel the concerta kicking in.
Seq25 (doing right to left sweep): 3.0 b=1.3
Card Draw25: 65 hits, avg 2.6 b=1.8
Quick Remove View25: 3 hits
I'm just doing horribly. I don't know if it's the lack of practice, my mood, or the medicine itself. Most likely a combination.
I'd try TK but I just don't fucking care.
What do I want to do?
Idk. Nothing. Fix my computer. But I have neither the windows install disk nor the hard drive.
Work on the wood project? Don't fucking care. Get dressed? Fine. Maybe i could do crunches. My stomach hurts.
I just feel allover lame. I am not bored, but I FEEL so boring. Meh!
Hmmm...
Well, one thing is for sure, more science is in order.
I didn't take it Monday; the lack of frontal cortex stimulation coupled with the fact that that Monday felt more like a Saturday due to lack of classes made it very entertaining. I was... quite giddy most of the day, but not out of control. I mean, I haven't been 5-year-old hyper since I was 12, so relatively speaking it wasn't much worse than the baseline, but there seemed to be maybe a tiny bit of rebound. Or just relief that I don't have the dumb.
So I'm popping one today at about noon, having taken bupropion at 10:20. That might or might not prove to be important, the staggering of it. Today I don't really have that much to do in terms of things that need to get done. So I'm going to try some music writing (high creativity), beatmaking (as music goes, far more mathematical and formulaic), TK, energy-based meditation, and whatever else I can think of.
to save time, I'm defining absolute improbability,b, as the inverse of the odds. So a 20:1 horse winning would have an improbability of 20.
Some tests (1am - 2am):
Card Test25: 2/25
Sequential25: Avg: 3.2 b: 3.2 There were a disproportionate number of 5th card placements.
I'm going to be an ass on this test and just sweep right to left on each set. I'm getting so apathetic and uncreative. I can feel the concerta kicking in.
Seq25 (doing right to left sweep): 3.0 b=1.3
Card Draw25: 65 hits, avg 2.6 b=1.8
Quick Remove View25: 3 hits
I'm just doing horribly. I don't know if it's the lack of practice, my mood, or the medicine itself. Most likely a combination.
I'd try TK but I just don't fucking care.
What do I want to do?
Idk. Nothing. Fix my computer. But I have neither the windows install disk nor the hard drive.
Work on the wood project? Don't fucking care. Get dressed? Fine. Maybe i could do crunches. My stomach hurts.
I just feel allover lame. I am not bored, but I FEEL so boring. Meh!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Concerta
Started Concerta, 36mg, extended release this morning, and so far, I actually really like it. Like the single psychological sensation that stands out is "Delicious." I know that makes little sense to you but it kinda gives you an idea of the feeling. It's just...nice. Focus was fantastic this morning. Salience was through the roof. Music sounded better, things seemed brighter. Hunger surprisingly seemed unchanged. I feel really hungry right now. Surprisingly few adverse effects. The one thing that seemed odd is I was checking my pulse (100bpm, typical given the bupropion) on www.scorehero.com/bpm.html, and I had trouble anticipating where the downbeat would hit.
I just tested again, heartrate was really squirrely, but I don't know if that's because my pulse fluctuates a lot normally (even pre-meds) and I can't easily anticipate it, or because the beat isn't as strong. Timing Infected Mushroom, I'm dead on. The fluctuations also seem to rely a lot on my breathing. I was listening with a stethescope and it would go from a breakbeat (lubDub.....lubDub.....lubDub) to even beat (lub...Dub...lub...Dub) when inhaling. I've noticed this in other people, I honestly don't even know if it's significant of anything. But it's not making any weird fluctuations or irregular valve noises, so i'm sure i'm fine.
I just tested again, heartrate was really squirrely, but I don't know if that's because my pulse fluctuates a lot normally (even pre-meds) and I can't easily anticipate it, or because the beat isn't as strong. Timing Infected Mushroom, I'm dead on. The fluctuations also seem to rely a lot on my breathing. I was listening with a stethescope and it would go from a breakbeat (lubDub.....lubDub.....lubDub) to even beat (lub...Dub...lub...Dub) when inhaling. I've noticed this in other people, I honestly don't even know if it's significant of anything. But it's not making any weird fluctuations or irregular valve noises, so i'm sure i'm fine.
Monday, November 10, 2008
On learned helplessness
So, I've noticed a bit of a trend this year that wasn't applicable before. I seem to be losing my adaptability and become much more frustrated with things with a far greater frequency.
I feel like attempting to do problem sets that I have no clue how to do, even after rereading textbooks several times, is exacerbating my preexisting lockup problem.
However, I find that if I take a break and just listen to music and chill, I can regain a decent bit of focus.
But a lot of times I try to push ahead, regardless of how little progress its making.
I have to work on this.
I feel like attempting to do problem sets that I have no clue how to do, even after rereading textbooks several times, is exacerbating my preexisting lockup problem.
However, I find that if I take a break and just listen to music and chill, I can regain a decent bit of focus.
But a lot of times I try to push ahead, regardless of how little progress its making.
I have to work on this.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Boo narrow minded morons! Hooray Obama!
So, amidst the near-universal partying, there are some grumbling GOPs pissing and moaning about how the US is going to take a turn for the worse now that Obama will be President. The most common complaints I get are the following:
-Terrorists will attack again!
-We'll turn into Communism!
-He will enact universal health care and it will suck!
1) So 911 happens under Bush's watch, or because of it, and he decides to enact the world's most intensive security plan this side of Stalinist USSR. No more buildings have been hit with planes, ergo, he saved the US. That's like saying I get sick one winter, and next winter I decide to spin in circles every time I sneeze, and I don't get sick that winter, therefore my little ritual prevented me from getting sick. Or, for you logic savvy people, if P then Q, Q, therefore P. Doesn't quite work that way.
Here's the thing. The rest of the world LOVES Obama. Whatever lax he may bring into the system, it's going to be more than counteracted by the fact that the world no longer sees us as a bunch of self-righteous hicks.
2) No, just no. Take Economics 101 you fucking moron.
3) Okay, I half agree with this one. Universal healthcare would be a major detriment to the quality of healthcare available. But do you realize how much money is in capital health care? Do you know how many lobbyists they have? It won't ever pass. It'll just be rounded out more so that those who don't have health insurance, get it.
So stop bellyaching and watch as the US does FAR better than it did the past 8 years, and in my opinion, will do better than the prior 20.
-Terrorists will attack again!
-We'll turn into Communism!
-He will enact universal health care and it will suck!
1) So 911 happens under Bush's watch, or because of it, and he decides to enact the world's most intensive security plan this side of Stalinist USSR. No more buildings have been hit with planes, ergo, he saved the US. That's like saying I get sick one winter, and next winter I decide to spin in circles every time I sneeze, and I don't get sick that winter, therefore my little ritual prevented me from getting sick. Or, for you logic savvy people, if P then Q, Q, therefore P. Doesn't quite work that way.
Here's the thing. The rest of the world LOVES Obama. Whatever lax he may bring into the system, it's going to be more than counteracted by the fact that the world no longer sees us as a bunch of self-righteous hicks.
2) No, just no. Take Economics 101 you fucking moron.
3) Okay, I half agree with this one. Universal healthcare would be a major detriment to the quality of healthcare available. But do you realize how much money is in capital health care? Do you know how many lobbyists they have? It won't ever pass. It'll just be rounded out more so that those who don't have health insurance, get it.
So stop bellyaching and watch as the US does FAR better than it did the past 8 years, and in my opinion, will do better than the prior 20.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
even morer classtime missed due to mental breakdowns
This breaking down on a nearly daily basis thing really is not working for me. Granted, I haven't gotten around to eating yet, which I'm sure plays a part, but I can barely get myself out of my room. I don't think it's even that because I have a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch on the shelf staring at me. I could eat if I wanted to. I just don't fucking care.
My mind seems to have this AutoRestore feature, which resumes any horrid, cyclic, unhealthy thought patterns I had the night before once I wake up. Even when I try to clear out my thoughts before I go to bed.
I've been trying anti-perfectionist techniques, such as telling myself I don't have to do a superb job at meditating, that it's fine even if I fall asleep, as long as I get an average job in.
It's weird, I show some definite traits of being a perfectionist at some times, and others not so much. Like with a lot of things, I feel a strong desire to succeed and beat any competitors. However, with a lot of things lately, just the status quo would be nice. I don't consider wanting to have decently straightened thoughts perfectionism. Well okay. I have been attempting to just at least embrace the mentality of healthy thinking, and I have been doing that.
I mean, I am making progress. But I guess what gets me is I'm not making progress fast enough, because it's interfering with my schooling, and I'm afraid of fucking this year up, and failing, and racking up more debt from being here. I feel like I need time to clear my head, but at the same time, I don't wanna take a break from RPI because I believe a) that starts the timer on the 10 years I have to pay off the loans before interest kicks in b) I'm afraid I will lose ALL momentum and never come back.
So I feel really stuck. I'm really thankful I finally have a girlfriend, but I feel like it's too late for that to be a quick fix. And I think that because I partially expected some sort of sudden improvement due to that factor, and didn't experience it, I'm dissapointing myself. But that's just all due to me thinking too much. I really need to stop doing that. I mean, that's what I've ALWAYS done, thought to much, so I would have had to stop it before it even started, which pretty much would have been the onset of cognition.
Maybe google will turn up something on how to fix it.
My mind seems to have this AutoRestore feature, which resumes any horrid, cyclic, unhealthy thought patterns I had the night before once I wake up. Even when I try to clear out my thoughts before I go to bed.
I've been trying anti-perfectionist techniques, such as telling myself I don't have to do a superb job at meditating, that it's fine even if I fall asleep, as long as I get an average job in.
It's weird, I show some definite traits of being a perfectionist at some times, and others not so much. Like with a lot of things, I feel a strong desire to succeed and beat any competitors. However, with a lot of things lately, just the status quo would be nice. I don't consider wanting to have decently straightened thoughts perfectionism. Well okay. I have been attempting to just at least embrace the mentality of healthy thinking, and I have been doing that.
I mean, I am making progress. But I guess what gets me is I'm not making progress fast enough, because it's interfering with my schooling, and I'm afraid of fucking this year up, and failing, and racking up more debt from being here. I feel like I need time to clear my head, but at the same time, I don't wanna take a break from RPI because I believe a) that starts the timer on the 10 years I have to pay off the loans before interest kicks in b) I'm afraid I will lose ALL momentum and never come back.
So I feel really stuck. I'm really thankful I finally have a girlfriend, but I feel like it's too late for that to be a quick fix. And I think that because I partially expected some sort of sudden improvement due to that factor, and didn't experience it, I'm dissapointing myself. But that's just all due to me thinking too much. I really need to stop doing that. I mean, that's what I've ALWAYS done, thought to much, so I would have had to stop it before it even started, which pretty much would have been the onset of cognition.
Maybe google will turn up something on how to fix it.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Dear Parents: Fuck you.
This would have been shot off in an email, but my better judgment decided against it. Thus, this is primarily for my own catharsis.
I just wanted to lash out for all the shit I've dealt with because of you that's only just coming to a head now. I'm not even going to bother on the positives, because, well, if they mattered more, then I wouldn't be having the problems I am having now.
I'm really sick of your shit. I am still reeling from the absolute shit-show that was my psychiatric history. Dr. Martin was perhaps the biggest fuckup of a doctor I have ever met, and I had to deal with him piping putrid chemicals into my body for several years.
You've had me diagnosed with nearly every fucking psychological disorder out there, barring (thank god) schizophrenia. You almost had me convinced that I had bipolar until I dropped in the lovely major depression I am in now. I am a fucking wreck. And it's all because you and your stupid shit doctors dealt with me by the book. When I told you time and time again you were doing it wrong. Instead, it forced deep rooted problems that were not responding to your treatment into the core of my brain, causing literally physical damage to my neural pathways. I have to undue all this fucking shit, on top of deal with whatever was there at the very beginning.
Asperger's? Are you fucking kidding me? It's fucking ridiculous that you would even entertain this idea, let alone try to get me to go to a support group for it. Even with my tendency to form-fit to those around me I STILL could tell I was completely different than those other kids. Once again, you didn't fucking listen to me.
You have resisted pretty much every aspect core to me of who I am while trying to "bring out the best" of my intelligence, curiosity, and so forth. You tried to hard to make me socially acceptable, and you know what? It started to sink in. And I have one more thing to deal with because of it. I am that much sicker because you tried to change me instead of let me be who I am and let the social graces go second.
You may have achieved making me more acceptable to be in public, but now, that I have potentially the most difficult year or two of my life ahead of me, and will have to fight not to be dead a year from now.
I'm on 300mg of generic bupropion, the most successful antidepressant I've been on in my life, and the only thing it's succeeded at now is giving me enough feeling to actually feel how fucking sick I am, rather than wallow in a dismal abyss. Regardless of whether or not the generic is shit compared to the prescription, which there is significant evidence for, it's still not doing it's job.
I know you tried your best to raise me, but you still fucked up. I didn't need diagnoses, I didn't need presciptions, I just wanted to not feel like I was lonely. But no, all the fucking shrinks told me I was obsessed, and you nodded along in agreement. And now that I actually have the simple thing I needed all along, I can't even feel myself because I'm so fucking jaded.
It's going to take a lot on my part, and until I am good and ready, for all intents and purposes, the universe revolves around ME.
I just wanted to lash out for all the shit I've dealt with because of you that's only just coming to a head now. I'm not even going to bother on the positives, because, well, if they mattered more, then I wouldn't be having the problems I am having now.
I'm really sick of your shit. I am still reeling from the absolute shit-show that was my psychiatric history. Dr. Martin was perhaps the biggest fuckup of a doctor I have ever met, and I had to deal with him piping putrid chemicals into my body for several years.
You've had me diagnosed with nearly every fucking psychological disorder out there, barring (thank god) schizophrenia. You almost had me convinced that I had bipolar until I dropped in the lovely major depression I am in now. I am a fucking wreck. And it's all because you and your stupid shit doctors dealt with me by the book. When I told you time and time again you were doing it wrong. Instead, it forced deep rooted problems that were not responding to your treatment into the core of my brain, causing literally physical damage to my neural pathways. I have to undue all this fucking shit, on top of deal with whatever was there at the very beginning.
Asperger's? Are you fucking kidding me? It's fucking ridiculous that you would even entertain this idea, let alone try to get me to go to a support group for it. Even with my tendency to form-fit to those around me I STILL could tell I was completely different than those other kids. Once again, you didn't fucking listen to me.
You have resisted pretty much every aspect core to me of who I am while trying to "bring out the best" of my intelligence, curiosity, and so forth. You tried to hard to make me socially acceptable, and you know what? It started to sink in. And I have one more thing to deal with because of it. I am that much sicker because you tried to change me instead of let me be who I am and let the social graces go second.
You may have achieved making me more acceptable to be in public, but now, that I have potentially the most difficult year or two of my life ahead of me, and will have to fight not to be dead a year from now.
I'm on 300mg of generic bupropion, the most successful antidepressant I've been on in my life, and the only thing it's succeeded at now is giving me enough feeling to actually feel how fucking sick I am, rather than wallow in a dismal abyss. Regardless of whether or not the generic is shit compared to the prescription, which there is significant evidence for, it's still not doing it's job.
I know you tried your best to raise me, but you still fucked up. I didn't need diagnoses, I didn't need presciptions, I just wanted to not feel like I was lonely. But no, all the fucking shrinks told me I was obsessed, and you nodded along in agreement. And now that I actually have the simple thing I needed all along, I can't even feel myself because I'm so fucking jaded.
It's going to take a lot on my part, and until I am good and ready, for all intents and purposes, the universe revolves around ME.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Telekinesis! And potential benefits of long term practice
So this weekend, which started off sucking pretty damn hard, has taken a twist for the much better.
I had been having issues with my life paradigm in general, for a week actually stopped believing in all this paranormal jazz altogether, and was overall really miserable. I started getting back into the swing of things for real about a week ago, trying to figure out why I have moods that feel like I'm just totally dead, shallow breathing, yawning constantly, no focus whatsoever. I tried various feeding techniques and a few other things, but it wasn't totally helping.
So tonight I got myself watching videos of telekinesis on YouTube and thought, damn, if I could just do some TK, it'd really bolster my confidence. That and I had just found out yesterday that my apartmentmate has been sorta pagan.
So I rig up a psi wheel out of aluminum foil and put it in a pot to minimize air flow and eventually seal it off completely.
I got it going much faster than I thought I could. I put the lid on it, but only managed to get a few degrees of movement. I half-cocked the lid, and got it going pretty well like that, so I decided to drag my friend out and show him.
He thought it was pretty damn cool, told me I should get it to the point where I can consistently move it under the lid so I could totally freak out the other two apartmentmates, who are really conservative.
The interesting bit is now, I feel really vivid. Like it feels a lot like and very well could be an adrenaline rush. Kind of a headache now. I had forgotten how intense it is. But it's totally pulled me out of the funk.
I speculate that the brain activity which is used to perform telekinesis, which is very similar to the brain activity of bio-feedback, could stimulate the brain in such a way to balance things out. I mean, it is exercise. I certainly feel like I've had a workout.
Some Links:
PsiPog - where I got started oh so many years ago
[url]www.psipog.net[/url]
[url]http://psipog.net/articles.html[/url]
[url]http://psipog.net/media.html[/url]
Biofeedback
[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biofeedback[/url]
I had been having issues with my life paradigm in general, for a week actually stopped believing in all this paranormal jazz altogether, and was overall really miserable. I started getting back into the swing of things for real about a week ago, trying to figure out why I have moods that feel like I'm just totally dead, shallow breathing, yawning constantly, no focus whatsoever. I tried various feeding techniques and a few other things, but it wasn't totally helping.
So tonight I got myself watching videos of telekinesis on YouTube and thought, damn, if I could just do some TK, it'd really bolster my confidence. That and I had just found out yesterday that my apartmentmate has been sorta pagan.
So I rig up a psi wheel out of aluminum foil and put it in a pot to minimize air flow and eventually seal it off completely.
I got it going much faster than I thought I could. I put the lid on it, but only managed to get a few degrees of movement. I half-cocked the lid, and got it going pretty well like that, so I decided to drag my friend out and show him.
He thought it was pretty damn cool, told me I should get it to the point where I can consistently move it under the lid so I could totally freak out the other two apartmentmates, who are really conservative.
The interesting bit is now, I feel really vivid. Like it feels a lot like and very well could be an adrenaline rush. Kind of a headache now. I had forgotten how intense it is. But it's totally pulled me out of the funk.
I speculate that the brain activity which is used to perform telekinesis, which is very similar to the brain activity of bio-feedback, could stimulate the brain in such a way to balance things out. I mean, it is exercise. I certainly feel like I've had a workout.
Some Links:
PsiPog - where I got started oh so many years ago
[url]www.psipog.net[/url]
[url]http://psipog.net/articles.html[/url]
[url]http://psipog.net/media.html[/url]
Biofeedback
[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biofeedback[/url]
Monday, October 6, 2008
Proof. Grey. Stuff like that. (a continual work in progress)
This is the list of fringe things that I am 100% convinced unequivocally that they exist.
1. Intuition - Society for millenia has known and testified that the subconscious mind is knowing things far beyond what are ascertainable to the known senses.
2. Thought transmission - I cite the incident of my friend and the neg. [fill] There is no way that effect would have been achieved if my thoughts were not projected in some way, shape or form. She had no idea exactly what I was doing, let alone anything, due to hysterics. Using thoughts alone, the situation was resolved.
3. Thought energy - If thoughts can be transmitted, they must have an energy carrier, like all things transmitted, e.g. the photon.
1. Intuition - Society for millenia has known and testified that the subconscious mind is knowing things far beyond what are ascertainable to the known senses.
2. Thought transmission - I cite the incident of my friend and the neg. [fill] There is no way that effect would have been achieved if my thoughts were not projected in some way, shape or form. She had no idea exactly what I was doing, let alone anything, due to hysterics. Using thoughts alone, the situation was resolved.
3. Thought energy - If thoughts can be transmitted, they must have an energy carrier, like all things transmitted, e.g. the photon.
This is the stuff I need
Cannabidiol
aka CBD
The not-nearly-as-well-known cousin of delta-9-Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC).
Unfortunately, weed bred nowadays is artificially selected to contain ridiculously high ratios of THC to CBD.
To illustrate the problem with this, observe:
One of my good friends had the idea of breeding selectively for CBD, this weed would not get one "high" but would instead produce solely an anxiolytic effect. The potential is boundless.
It would be ideal to counter the anxiety that is occasionally coupled with Wellbutrin, in my opinion one of the most successful antidepressants and ADD meds to date.
Unfortunately, American prohibition laws are gay and utterly preclude any kind of tinkering. So I shall keep looking for something with similar molecular properties.
aka CBD
The not-nearly-as-well-known cousin of delta-9-Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC).
Unfortunately, weed bred nowadays is artificially selected to contain ridiculously high ratios of THC to CBD.
To illustrate the problem with this, observe:
One of my good friends had the idea of breeding selectively for CBD, this weed would not get one "high" but would instead produce solely an anxiolytic effect. The potential is boundless.
It would be ideal to counter the anxiety that is occasionally coupled with Wellbutrin, in my opinion one of the most successful antidepressants and ADD meds to date.
Unfortunately, American prohibition laws are gay and utterly preclude any kind of tinkering. So I shall keep looking for something with similar molecular properties.
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