This breaking down on a nearly daily basis thing really is not working for me. Granted, I haven't gotten around to eating yet, which I'm sure plays a part, but I can barely get myself out of my room. I don't think it's even that because I have a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch on the shelf staring at me. I could eat if I wanted to. I just don't fucking care.
My mind seems to have this AutoRestore feature, which resumes any horrid, cyclic, unhealthy thought patterns I had the night before once I wake up. Even when I try to clear out my thoughts before I go to bed.
I've been trying anti-perfectionist techniques, such as telling myself I don't have to do a superb job at meditating, that it's fine even if I fall asleep, as long as I get an average job in.
It's weird, I show some definite traits of being a perfectionist at some times, and others not so much. Like with a lot of things, I feel a strong desire to succeed and beat any competitors. However, with a lot of things lately, just the status quo would be nice. I don't consider wanting to have decently straightened thoughts perfectionism. Well okay. I have been attempting to just at least embrace the mentality of healthy thinking, and I have been doing that.
I mean, I am making progress. But I guess what gets me is I'm not making progress fast enough, because it's interfering with my schooling, and I'm afraid of fucking this year up, and failing, and racking up more debt from being here. I feel like I need time to clear my head, but at the same time, I don't wanna take a break from RPI because I believe a) that starts the timer on the 10 years I have to pay off the loans before interest kicks in b) I'm afraid I will lose ALL momentum and never come back.
So I feel really stuck. I'm really thankful I finally have a girlfriend, but I feel like it's too late for that to be a quick fix. And I think that because I partially expected some sort of sudden improvement due to that factor, and didn't experience it, I'm dissapointing myself. But that's just all due to me thinking too much. I really need to stop doing that. I mean, that's what I've ALWAYS done, thought to much, so I would have had to stop it before it even started, which pretty much would have been the onset of cognition.
Maybe google will turn up something on how to fix it.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Dear Parents: Fuck you.
This would have been shot off in an email, but my better judgment decided against it. Thus, this is primarily for my own catharsis.
I just wanted to lash out for all the shit I've dealt with because of you that's only just coming to a head now. I'm not even going to bother on the positives, because, well, if they mattered more, then I wouldn't be having the problems I am having now.
I'm really sick of your shit. I am still reeling from the absolute shit-show that was my psychiatric history. Dr. Martin was perhaps the biggest fuckup of a doctor I have ever met, and I had to deal with him piping putrid chemicals into my body for several years.
You've had me diagnosed with nearly every fucking psychological disorder out there, barring (thank god) schizophrenia. You almost had me convinced that I had bipolar until I dropped in the lovely major depression I am in now. I am a fucking wreck. And it's all because you and your stupid shit doctors dealt with me by the book. When I told you time and time again you were doing it wrong. Instead, it forced deep rooted problems that were not responding to your treatment into the core of my brain, causing literally physical damage to my neural pathways. I have to undue all this fucking shit, on top of deal with whatever was there at the very beginning.
Asperger's? Are you fucking kidding me? It's fucking ridiculous that you would even entertain this idea, let alone try to get me to go to a support group for it. Even with my tendency to form-fit to those around me I STILL could tell I was completely different than those other kids. Once again, you didn't fucking listen to me.
You have resisted pretty much every aspect core to me of who I am while trying to "bring out the best" of my intelligence, curiosity, and so forth. You tried to hard to make me socially acceptable, and you know what? It started to sink in. And I have one more thing to deal with because of it. I am that much sicker because you tried to change me instead of let me be who I am and let the social graces go second.
You may have achieved making me more acceptable to be in public, but now, that I have potentially the most difficult year or two of my life ahead of me, and will have to fight not to be dead a year from now.
I'm on 300mg of generic bupropion, the most successful antidepressant I've been on in my life, and the only thing it's succeeded at now is giving me enough feeling to actually feel how fucking sick I am, rather than wallow in a dismal abyss. Regardless of whether or not the generic is shit compared to the prescription, which there is significant evidence for, it's still not doing it's job.
I know you tried your best to raise me, but you still fucked up. I didn't need diagnoses, I didn't need presciptions, I just wanted to not feel like I was lonely. But no, all the fucking shrinks told me I was obsessed, and you nodded along in agreement. And now that I actually have the simple thing I needed all along, I can't even feel myself because I'm so fucking jaded.
It's going to take a lot on my part, and until I am good and ready, for all intents and purposes, the universe revolves around ME.
I just wanted to lash out for all the shit I've dealt with because of you that's only just coming to a head now. I'm not even going to bother on the positives, because, well, if they mattered more, then I wouldn't be having the problems I am having now.
I'm really sick of your shit. I am still reeling from the absolute shit-show that was my psychiatric history. Dr. Martin was perhaps the biggest fuckup of a doctor I have ever met, and I had to deal with him piping putrid chemicals into my body for several years.
You've had me diagnosed with nearly every fucking psychological disorder out there, barring (thank god) schizophrenia. You almost had me convinced that I had bipolar until I dropped in the lovely major depression I am in now. I am a fucking wreck. And it's all because you and your stupid shit doctors dealt with me by the book. When I told you time and time again you were doing it wrong. Instead, it forced deep rooted problems that were not responding to your treatment into the core of my brain, causing literally physical damage to my neural pathways. I have to undue all this fucking shit, on top of deal with whatever was there at the very beginning.
Asperger's? Are you fucking kidding me? It's fucking ridiculous that you would even entertain this idea, let alone try to get me to go to a support group for it. Even with my tendency to form-fit to those around me I STILL could tell I was completely different than those other kids. Once again, you didn't fucking listen to me.
You have resisted pretty much every aspect core to me of who I am while trying to "bring out the best" of my intelligence, curiosity, and so forth. You tried to hard to make me socially acceptable, and you know what? It started to sink in. And I have one more thing to deal with because of it. I am that much sicker because you tried to change me instead of let me be who I am and let the social graces go second.
You may have achieved making me more acceptable to be in public, but now, that I have potentially the most difficult year or two of my life ahead of me, and will have to fight not to be dead a year from now.
I'm on 300mg of generic bupropion, the most successful antidepressant I've been on in my life, and the only thing it's succeeded at now is giving me enough feeling to actually feel how fucking sick I am, rather than wallow in a dismal abyss. Regardless of whether or not the generic is shit compared to the prescription, which there is significant evidence for, it's still not doing it's job.
I know you tried your best to raise me, but you still fucked up. I didn't need diagnoses, I didn't need presciptions, I just wanted to not feel like I was lonely. But no, all the fucking shrinks told me I was obsessed, and you nodded along in agreement. And now that I actually have the simple thing I needed all along, I can't even feel myself because I'm so fucking jaded.
It's going to take a lot on my part, and until I am good and ready, for all intents and purposes, the universe revolves around ME.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Telekinesis! And potential benefits of long term practice
So this weekend, which started off sucking pretty damn hard, has taken a twist for the much better.
I had been having issues with my life paradigm in general, for a week actually stopped believing in all this paranormal jazz altogether, and was overall really miserable. I started getting back into the swing of things for real about a week ago, trying to figure out why I have moods that feel like I'm just totally dead, shallow breathing, yawning constantly, no focus whatsoever. I tried various feeding techniques and a few other things, but it wasn't totally helping.
So tonight I got myself watching videos of telekinesis on YouTube and thought, damn, if I could just do some TK, it'd really bolster my confidence. That and I had just found out yesterday that my apartmentmate has been sorta pagan.
So I rig up a psi wheel out of aluminum foil and put it in a pot to minimize air flow and eventually seal it off completely.
I got it going much faster than I thought I could. I put the lid on it, but only managed to get a few degrees of movement. I half-cocked the lid, and got it going pretty well like that, so I decided to drag my friend out and show him.
He thought it was pretty damn cool, told me I should get it to the point where I can consistently move it under the lid so I could totally freak out the other two apartmentmates, who are really conservative.
The interesting bit is now, I feel really vivid. Like it feels a lot like and very well could be an adrenaline rush. Kind of a headache now. I had forgotten how intense it is. But it's totally pulled me out of the funk.
I speculate that the brain activity which is used to perform telekinesis, which is very similar to the brain activity of bio-feedback, could stimulate the brain in such a way to balance things out. I mean, it is exercise. I certainly feel like I've had a workout.
Some Links:
PsiPog - where I got started oh so many years ago
[url]www.psipog.net[/url]
[url]http://psipog.net/articles.html[/url]
[url]http://psipog.net/media.html[/url]
Biofeedback
[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biofeedback[/url]
I had been having issues with my life paradigm in general, for a week actually stopped believing in all this paranormal jazz altogether, and was overall really miserable. I started getting back into the swing of things for real about a week ago, trying to figure out why I have moods that feel like I'm just totally dead, shallow breathing, yawning constantly, no focus whatsoever. I tried various feeding techniques and a few other things, but it wasn't totally helping.
So tonight I got myself watching videos of telekinesis on YouTube and thought, damn, if I could just do some TK, it'd really bolster my confidence. That and I had just found out yesterday that my apartmentmate has been sorta pagan.
So I rig up a psi wheel out of aluminum foil and put it in a pot to minimize air flow and eventually seal it off completely.
I got it going much faster than I thought I could. I put the lid on it, but only managed to get a few degrees of movement. I half-cocked the lid, and got it going pretty well like that, so I decided to drag my friend out and show him.
He thought it was pretty damn cool, told me I should get it to the point where I can consistently move it under the lid so I could totally freak out the other two apartmentmates, who are really conservative.
The interesting bit is now, I feel really vivid. Like it feels a lot like and very well could be an adrenaline rush. Kind of a headache now. I had forgotten how intense it is. But it's totally pulled me out of the funk.
I speculate that the brain activity which is used to perform telekinesis, which is very similar to the brain activity of bio-feedback, could stimulate the brain in such a way to balance things out. I mean, it is exercise. I certainly feel like I've had a workout.
Some Links:
PsiPog - where I got started oh so many years ago
[url]www.psipog.net[/url]
[url]http://psipog.net/articles.html[/url]
[url]http://psipog.net/media.html[/url]
Biofeedback
[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biofeedback[/url]
Monday, October 6, 2008
Proof. Grey. Stuff like that. (a continual work in progress)
This is the list of fringe things that I am 100% convinced unequivocally that they exist.
1. Intuition - Society for millenia has known and testified that the subconscious mind is knowing things far beyond what are ascertainable to the known senses.
2. Thought transmission - I cite the incident of my friend and the neg. [fill] There is no way that effect would have been achieved if my thoughts were not projected in some way, shape or form. She had no idea exactly what I was doing, let alone anything, due to hysterics. Using thoughts alone, the situation was resolved.
3. Thought energy - If thoughts can be transmitted, they must have an energy carrier, like all things transmitted, e.g. the photon.
1. Intuition - Society for millenia has known and testified that the subconscious mind is knowing things far beyond what are ascertainable to the known senses.
2. Thought transmission - I cite the incident of my friend and the neg. [fill] There is no way that effect would have been achieved if my thoughts were not projected in some way, shape or form. She had no idea exactly what I was doing, let alone anything, due to hysterics. Using thoughts alone, the situation was resolved.
3. Thought energy - If thoughts can be transmitted, they must have an energy carrier, like all things transmitted, e.g. the photon.
This is the stuff I need
Cannabidiol
aka CBD
The not-nearly-as-well-known cousin of delta-9-Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC).
Unfortunately, weed bred nowadays is artificially selected to contain ridiculously high ratios of THC to CBD.
To illustrate the problem with this, observe:
One of my good friends had the idea of breeding selectively for CBD, this weed would not get one "high" but would instead produce solely an anxiolytic effect. The potential is boundless.
It would be ideal to counter the anxiety that is occasionally coupled with Wellbutrin, in my opinion one of the most successful antidepressants and ADD meds to date.
Unfortunately, American prohibition laws are gay and utterly preclude any kind of tinkering. So I shall keep looking for something with similar molecular properties.
aka CBD
The not-nearly-as-well-known cousin of delta-9-Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC).
Unfortunately, weed bred nowadays is artificially selected to contain ridiculously high ratios of THC to CBD.
To illustrate the problem with this, observe:
One of my good friends had the idea of breeding selectively for CBD, this weed would not get one "high" but would instead produce solely an anxiolytic effect. The potential is boundless.
It would be ideal to counter the anxiety that is occasionally coupled with Wellbutrin, in my opinion one of the most successful antidepressants and ADD meds to date.
Unfortunately, American prohibition laws are gay and utterly preclude any kind of tinkering. So I shall keep looking for something with similar molecular properties.
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