even morer classtime missed due to mental breakdowns

This breaking down on a nearly daily basis thing really is not working for me. Granted, I haven't gotten around to eating yet, which I'm sure plays a part, but I can barely get myself out of my room. I don't think it's even that because I have a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch on the shelf staring at me. I could eat if I wanted to. I just don't fucking care.

My mind seems to have this AutoRestore feature, which resumes any horrid, cyclic, unhealthy thought patterns I had the night before once I wake up. Even when I try to clear out my thoughts before I go to bed.

I've been trying anti-perfectionist techniques, such as telling myself I don't have to do a superb job at meditating, that it's fine even if I fall asleep, as long as I get an average job in.

It's weird, I show some definite traits of being a perfectionist at some times, and others not so much. Like with a lot of things, I feel a strong desire to succeed and beat any competitors. However, with a lot of things lately, just the status quo would be nice. I don't consider wanting to have decently straightened thoughts perfectionism. Well okay. I have been attempting to just at least embrace the mentality of healthy thinking, and I have been doing that.

I mean, I am making progress. But I guess what gets me is I'm not making progress fast enough, because it's interfering with my schooling, and I'm afraid of fucking this year up, and failing, and racking up more debt from being here. I feel like I need time to clear my head, but at the same time, I don't wanna take a break from RPI because I believe a) that starts the timer on the 10 years I have to pay off the loans before interest kicks in b) I'm afraid I will lose ALL momentum and never come back.

So I feel really stuck. I'm really thankful I finally have a girlfriend, but I feel like it's too late for that to be a quick fix. And I think that because I partially expected some sort of sudden improvement due to that factor, and didn't experience it, I'm dissapointing myself. But that's just all due to me thinking too much. I really need to stop doing that. I mean, that's what I've ALWAYS done, thought to much, so I would have had to stop it before it even started, which pretty much would have been the onset of cognition.

Maybe google will turn up something on how to fix it.